I'll get this out of the way right now: I liked Pride and Prejudice. I haven't (nor do I intend to) read the book, but I have watched the Keira Knightley movie and the six-hour BBC presentation. No matter how much I weasel out excuses (such as, "My mom and sister made me watch it"), I can't escape the fact that I liked these chick flicks.



I never allowed myself to believe that before, because I thought I'd get my "man-card" revoked. Fortunately, I believe I know a secret that will save my manhood:

I am convinced that every guy who has ever seen the Keira Knightley Pride and Prejudice movie has liked it.

Women, here's a tip: men are posers.

For one of my English classes in high school we watched the Knightley P&P movie over a couple days. On the last day, the girls were all sobbing and we guys, being the stone-cold pillars we were, kind of scratched our heads, grunted, and mumbled, "Yeah, I guess it was all right, for a chick flick," and other similar comments. I know that, personally, my eyes were fillin' up like a septic tank on a rainy day. But, they never got past the eyelids SO IT DOESN'T COUNT!!!   

Anyway, I blame it on the music. The Last Samurai did the same thing to me. Take a scene I would normally never find sad, add a sweeping orchestra and an exaggerated violin and it's "Oh, God! Give me strength!" Titanic wouldn't have been the box office juggernaut it was if it wasn't for "My Heart Will Go On" (aka "The Titanic Song").

I think I can smell my man-card spontaneously combusting. I really shouldn't know the title of that song.

Speaking of Titanic and men being posers, have you talked to a guy about that movie? I've heard so many stories from guys who say that they saw the movie with a date and had to face the wall because they were on the verge of crying. Usually, you can tell if a man is holding back tears if he makes an ugly (but manly) throat-clearing or grunting noise. People who watch Wall-E with me may notice that a lot.

OK, in an attempt to save my now non-existent man-card, let me just say that I hate Titanic and think that Twilight needs to get run over by a car. The driver then needs to back up over it, then drive over it again, and repeat multiple times. The driver should then get out of his car, take a can of gasoline, and douse the franchise in it. The driver must then set it on fire, but save it before it dies and throw it down a cliff. Another driver should be waiting at the bottom of this cliff, ready to repeat the whole process after breaking both of Twilight's femurs.

I HATE TWILIGHT. The very thought of that inane story, it's hobo-looking, foppish vampire, and the mobs of asinine fan-girls make me want to take a chainsaw to something.

Regroup. The mention of rage, exaggerated violence, cars, and power-tools should help me regain some man-points. I think we're good.

Speaking of Twilight, you wouldn't believe how many guys (who were "forced" to watch it with their "girlfriend") have said, "You know, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be." One friend has brought this up multiple times, which I find disturbing.

The fact that I refuse to watch the movies or read the books on account of the unholy fury they instill within me should be enough to get my man-card back.

For those of you who think I have an obsession with the idea of a man-card, please realize that this is the first time I have ever used the term. It seemed appropriate.

And, before you get pissed off at me for "bashing your manliness," allow me to explain something. I exaggerate a lot when I want to make a point. If you like Twilight or Titanic, that's fine, guys. I'm just commenting on how men seem to always be obsessed with following traditionally masculine behavior (myself included). So, take a chill pill and don't take anything personally.       

Yeah... it's not good.

I don't know if I have ever felt so insulted by DC before, with the exception of the horrendous The Dark Knight Strikes Again. Dang, that was an awful graphic novel...

Anyway, there's a new DC movie out. It's called Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. Unlike Johnny Depp's Public Enemies, this one lacks any bad-assery. This is, of course, a paradox because Batman is "bad-assery" incarnate. While Princess Superman counterbalances that BA-ness with his inherent girliness, it has never conquered Batman's awesomeness. So, obviously, it's the writer's fault. And, dear God! was this script awful.

I'm just going to copy the synopsis I wrote for my college's newspaper here:

<Begin article excerpt>

“Public Enemies” is based on a graphic novel of the same name written by the famous Jeph Loeb (whose works include the exceptional Batman story arc “Batman: Hush” and TV shows “Heroes” and “Smallville”). I have not read the graphic novel, so I cannot make a comparison between the movie and the novel. However, I am guessing that the movie was made for those who have read Loeb’s original, since I didn’t understand some of what was going on.

“Public Enemies” begins with Lex Luthor’s bid for the presidency, which he quickly wins. While most Americans are skeptical of his intentions at first, it is not long before President Luthor has improved the nation’s condition. Crime is down, America is no longer at war, and super heroes are now employed under the federal government.

Of course, Superman and Batman don’t buy it. The situation becomes even more suspicious when Luthor makes a public announcement that he wants to meet privately with Superman to talk over some issues, including their past and a giant Kryptonian comet that is hurtling towards Earth. Batman warns his friend that it’s a trap, but the Boy Scout meets with his nemesis anyway.

Not one minute into the meeting, Superman begins to feel weak. As usual, Luthor has a trick up his sleeve. This time, it is the kryptonite-powered cyborg, Metallo. Superman barely escapes the encounter with the help of Batman.

President Luthor immediately makes a live TV announcement that Superman has become public enemy number 1. Hidden cameras and clever editing show Superman attacking the President and murdering Metallo, who Lex claims had reformed his criminal ways. The Kryptonite comet, he explains, is psychologically harming Superman, making him go crazy. Luthor then places a billion dollar bounty on Superman’s head, making him a target for every hero and villain in the DC universe.

</end article excerpt>

So, Luthor, using his genius, creates rockets that will travel through an artificial black hole and destroy the comet. Of course, it doesn't work. Before I go any further, I should explain that, up until this point, Luthor has been the most complex character in the movie. He has shown genuine concern for Earth and its people. He just hates how heroes tend to step all over humanity with their highfalutin sense of morality.

Back to the present. After hours of failed calculations, Luthor goes bat-crap crazy. He starts ranting about how he'll let the comet destroy earth and repopulate the earth with his cranky, plump advisor. He's also been injecting himself with liquid Kryptonite for a few months.

Meanwhile, Bats and Girl Scout Supes head off to Japan. There, they enter the fortress of a 13-year old boy who makes giant mechs, including a huge one that is half-Batman, half-Superman in design. As Superman distracts Lex (who is now in a mech suit), Batman flies the mech into space and destroys the comet.

Do you see where I might feel insulted? First, why the crap would America elect Lex President? I'm sure that's explained in the comics, but it sure isn't explained in the movie. Second, is Lex bipolar or something? I have never seen such a sore loser in my life. I sat there thinking, "What the crap just happened?"

Also, as someone who used to watch anime a lot, I was extremely annoyed by the unoriginal anime cliches. Huge brawls, weird dialogue, the smart, spunky young kid, and mechs. Oh, the mechs...

In addition, I'm pretty sure that the writer for Public Enemies was convinced that Superman and Batman are in love. Though Superman may act like a girl, it's still no excuse for some of the dialogue in the movie. For example, Batman uses his grapple hook to lower himself from the ceiling to the floor of a building. Superman tells him, "I could have carried you."

...

 

  

Yeah. Not cool. Fortunately, Batman, being bad-ass, responds with, "You don't know how much I hate that."

As much as I wish I could say that that was the end of it, I can't. Superman seems obsessed with making physical contact with Batman. It's really creepy.

And the art is pretty blah. Everyone's either a centerfold or a Mr. Universe finalist. I loved the '90s minimalist, blocky style used in Batman, Superman, and Justice League, so I don't understand why they felt the need to use this ridiculously exaggerated style.

So, don't bother watching Public Enemies. Watch Mask of the Phantasm instead. That's an awesome Batman movie.

Ever since I entered college, I've noticed a bad habit developing. Usually, when someone is about to bring up a counterpoint to someone's argument, they begin with, "Allow me to play devil's advocate..." or "Just for the sake of argument..." My problem is that I tend to play devil's advocate without warning anyone. 

That is, I sound as if I whole-heartedly believe in the opposite of the other person's belief. For example, I don't totally believe in either 7-Day Creationism or Evolution (I've talked about that before, so I'm not going to go into that here beyond example). However, thanks to conversations I've had with either side, both seem convinced that I believe in the opposite. This is mostly because I don't say that I'm just playing devil's advocate. Thus, people become offended and/or defensive.

So, to anyone I've accidentally offended, I apologize. I usually don't realize what I'm doing.